Frontline Interviews
by Sarah Noble
Summary: Interviews with Hogwarts' most fascinating (or disturbed) residents.
1. Default Chapter

Front-Line Interviews is a series of fictional Hogwarts interviews I used to post in my livejournal, which by the by is www.livejournal.com/~sad_alice. Instead of posting each set of interviews as a separate story, this one story will be updated regularly with new chapters.  
  
Five is an alias of mine for these interviews, just like the name Sarah Noble. My online names are faker than whatever they make american cheese slices out of. JUST TRY AND CATCH ME, COPPERS!! YAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA!  
  
As always, fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it. 


	2. On the Veranda

Interview with Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, 3:30 pm March 17th, on his tackily decorated veranda.  
  
FIVE: Thank you for this interview, professor. I'm glad you could find the time during your busy schedule.  
  
GILDEROY: Not at all! Although I'm usually a VERY busy-  
  
FIVE: Cut the chatter bitch, how'd you do it?  
  
GILDEROY: Beg pardon?  
  
FIVE: How'd you manage to find so many wizards to dupe and steal their fame?  
  
GILDEROY: I...I haven't the faintest idea-  
  
FIVE: I KNOW you don't. Everyone knows it. That's why it's so obvious you're a fraud. What I want to know is how you managed to find so many powerful people to steal the glory from, without anybody finding out!  
  
GILDEROY: Get off my veranda this instant! You're upsetting the rhododendrons!  
  
FIVE: I mean, finding people who did famous things and taking their memories away, right? How'd you find out about these people, unless they were famous in the first place? We're talking taking away the memories of not only the people performing the deed, but EVERYBODY who heard about it!  
  
GILDEROY: Shut up!  
  
FIVE: Reporters, journalists, neighbors, friends, eye-witnesses...holy bat- sammiches, man, it'd be more cost-effective to just kill the monsters yourself!  
  
GILDEROY: That's it, I'm leaving! Stay on the veranda all day, if you like! And I'm taking the tea sandwiches with me!!  
  
FIVE: Holy crap, dude, you would've had to wipe out an average of 300+ people for every coverup involved! What the hell is your problem?  
  
GILDEROY: [slams door]  
  
FIVE: God, what a whacko.  
  
[This interview will continue as soon as Five manages to pry the front door lock apart with her teeth.] 


	3. Xmas Fun

Note: This interview first appeared in Sad_Alice's livejournal in December of 2002.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -  
  
Hey, everybody! Five here, on location at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy! With two weeks to go until Christmas, we're going to find out what's on everybody's special wish list, past and present! Let's start with the professors first!  
  
FIVE: OK guys, what's that one special present you want most?  
  
MACGONAGALL: Speakers for my laptop.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Socks. Lots of them.  
  
FIVE: How bout you, Professor Flitwick?  
  
FLITWICK: A Bead-o-matic Bedazzler kit! With refills!  
  
FIVE: Sinistra?  
  
SINISTRA: Actual lines of dialogue in one of the remaining three Harry Potter books.  
  
FIVE: [laughs] That's a good one, professor. What do you want, Snape?  
  
SNAPE: I want to decide who lives and dies.  
  
FIVE: I don't know if that would fit under the Christmas tree, professor.  
  
SNAPE: Oh. In that case, I'd like a pony.  
  
FIVE: Can do, professor! How bout everyone else?  
  
LOCKHART: Ditto on the pony. Or barrettes. Or a Milton Bradley Anniversary edition of "Dream Date". Or a bobblehead doll of Britney Spears.  
  
LUPIN: Food stamps.  
  
FIVE: Hagrid?  
  
HAGRID: Erm...a Mach 3 razor.  
  
FIVE: Hagrid!  
  
HAGRID: Heh, I'm only kidding. Bloodsucking thirty-pound were-leeches, as usual.  
  
FIVE: That's more like it. Quirrell?  
  
QUIRRELL: Propecia.  
  
Man, what a lot of great presents! I hope you all get what you wish for. Let's move onto the students!  
  
FIVE: How bout it, Harry? What's under your wish-list tree?  
  
HARRY: One good reason why I can't turn my abusive aunt and uncle over to the police.  
  
FIVE: Ha ha! I'll be sure to ask Santa about that one for you, kid! Hermione?  
  
HERMIONE: More advanced classes at school for me to ace.  
  
FIVE: Knock yourself out, honey. Ron?  
  
RON: Hermione.  
  
FIVE: I don't ever want to see the inside of your head, Ron. Go lay down.  
  
DRACO: I'd just like everyone to know that I'll actually be getting ALL the things I ask for, including, but not limited to: a power speedboat, a house in Majorca, several acres of chocolate, my own moped gang...  
  
FIVE: ...and a molesting from several staff members and fellow students, the likes of which we've never seen or want to see. We know.  
  
DRACO: Daddy! DADDY! The creepy girl's making fun of me!  
  
LUCIUS: Never mind, boy, we'll buy her later and make her suffer.  
  
FIVE: Speaking of which, what do you get for the man who has everything? How bout it, Lucius?  
  
LUCIUS: For Christmas, I'd like more highballs than I can possibly drink in a month. And I'm getting them, too.  
  
FIVE: You certainly will be, Mr. Malfoy! And that's a sentiment to which we can all relate, in one way or another.  
  
LUPIN: Are you gonna finish that sandwich?  
  
Until next time, Merry Christmas! 


	4. Waking Gilderoy

FRONTLINE INTERVIEWS PRESENTS:  
  
LIFE AT HOGWARTS WITHOUT GILDEROY LOCKHART  
  
Heya! Five here, once again on location at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, trying to find out how everyone's been coping since the loss of their well-respected Dark Arts teacher, the celebrated Gilderoy Lockhart, five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award.  
  
FIVE: So, Professor MacGonagall, what's it been like since the tragic loss of Professor Lockhart?  
  
MACGONAGALL: Tragic? What. . .did he die?  
  
FIVE: Er, no. . .but he's not here anymore.  
  
MACGONAGALL: Come back and tell me when he dies.  
  
FIVE: Will do, professor! So how bout you, Headmaster? How's it been?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Well, I've been coping. It's been a very traumatizing year for all of us. I myself haven't been able to eat second desserts since he left.  
  
FIVE: That's just awful, sir. You must feel the loss of a good teacher hits very close to home at this time.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: No, I just can't finish my dinner without having to break up fist fights between Severus and the breadrolls.  
  
FIVE: Poor guy must be very depressed. . . or stupid. Moving on! I bet you're not too upset Gilderoy bought the mental farm, eh Professor?  
  
SNAPE: Shut up, I need to find a copy machine and get my resume on Dumbledore's desk by 8 a.m. tomorrow. Do you have any stamps?  
  
FIVE: I believe his office is just upstairs, professor.  
  
SNAPE: The envelope looks better with stamps on it.  
  
FIVE: But what about Professor Lockhart?  
  
SNAPE: Is he a stamp?  
  
FIVE: No.  
  
SNAPE: Come back and tell me when he's a stamp.  
  
FIVE: Right-o, Prof! Let's go check out what the kids think of all this.  
  
----  
  
FIVE: Got any opinions on Professor Lockhart, Ron?  
  
RON: Yeah, but they're all filled with bad words.  
  
HERMIONE: Ron!  
  
FIVE: Hey Hermione, how bout you?  
  
HERMIONE: I think Professor Lockhart's resignation is an especially tragic loss for the school, as he was clearly one of the most qualified Dark Arts teachers we've ever had.  
  
HARRY: But don't say that in front of Snape. He might try to lick you and put you on an envelope.  
  
FIVE: Any word so far on whether Lockhart will be returning to school?  
  
HARRY: Who cares? I hope not. I've got enough to worry about trying to win the Quidditch Cup next year.  
  
FIVE: Aren't you concerned you might not have a teacher for the Dark Arts next year? I heard Lockhart was in a bad way at St. Mungo's, mentally speaking.  
  
HARRY: Is he in such a bad way that he thinks he's a Quidditch Cup?  
  
FIVE: Not that I know of.  
  
HARRY: Come back and tell me when he thinks he's a Quidditch Cup.  
  
FIVE: You betcha, kid! Anything for adorable little british children! Well, look who it is!  
  
LUPIN: Hello there.  
  
FIVE: I bet you're the new teacher Dumbledore signed on for next year.  
  
LUPIN: That's right. . .if by "signed on," you mean he promised me some new shoelaces and a bucket of chicken wings.  
  
FIVE: You're damn straight I do! So do you have any opinions as to the loss of Professor Lockhart?  
  
LUPIN: I hope he stays lost for a good while yet. Maybe I can get a second pair of trousers out of this deal.  
  
FIVE: So. . . no remorse at all for Lockhart?  
  
LUPIN: Is Lockhart a second pair of trousers?  
  
FIVE: Not to my knowledge.  
  
LUPIN: Come back and tell me when he's a second pair of trousers.  
  
FIVE: Will do!  
  
------------  
  
And there you have it! Hot off the press, the opinions and mournings of Professor Lockhart by several prominent figures at Hogwarts. We'll keep you posted with a follow-up story regarding the situation, just as soon as Professor Lockhart is released from the hospital, or such time as he becomes a stamp, a Quidditch Cup, a second pair of trousers or dead. See ya! 


End file.
